Humor plays a significant role in our lives, helping us cope with stress, bond with others, and simply enjoy ourselves. Laughter has numerous benefits, both for our mental and physical well-being. In this collection, we’ve compiled 10 funny quotes for each section to bring a smile to your face and brighten your day.
Famous Comedians and Their Quotes
George Carlin
- “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
- “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
- “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.”
- “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
- “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
Richard Pryor
- “I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.”
- “You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
- “I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.”
- “I can’t just say the words, do a lot of one-liners. I love each person I play; I have to be that person.”
- “When you ain’t got no money, you gotta get an attitude.”
Joan Rivers
- “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
- “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
- “My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.”
- “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
- “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
Rodney Dangerfield
- “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
- “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
- “My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”
- “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- “My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
Mitch Hedberg
- “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
- “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
- “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
- “I’m a hero. I was at a restaurant, and they said the kitchen was on fire. I ignored it and ordered my dinner.”
- “If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
Funny Quotes from Movies and TV Shows
Classic Comedy Films
- “It’s just a flesh wound.” – Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
- “I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.” – Forrest Gump (1994)
- “I feel the need…the need for speed.” – Top Gun (1986)
- “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” – The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
- “I’m in a glass case of emotion!” – Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
- “There’s no crying in baseball!” – A League of Their Own (1992)
- “Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.” – Dead Poets Society (1989)
- “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” – The Godfather Part II (1974)
- “I’ll have what she’s having.” – When Harry Met Sally (1989)
- “I love lamp.” – Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Sitcoms and Sketch Comedy
- “No soup for you!” – Seinfeld (1990-1998)
- “That’s what she said.” – The Office (2005-2013)
- “Could I BE any more…?” – Friends (1994-2004)
- “Bazinga!” – The Big Bang Theory (2007-2019)
- “How you doin’?” – Friends (1994-2004)
- “D’oh!” – The Simpsons (1989-present)
- “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.” – Saturday Night Live (1975-present)
- “Isn’t that special?” – Saturday Night Live (1975-present)
- “I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!” – SpongeBob SquarePants (1999-present)
- “Winter is coming.” – Game of Thrones (2011-2019)
Animated Comedies
- “You’re killin’ me, Smalls!” – The Sandlot (1993)
- “It’s just a little airborne! It’s still good! It’s still good!” – The Simpsons (1989-present)
- “D’oh!” – The Simpsons (1989-present)
- “I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.” – Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
- “To infinity and beyond!” – Toy Story (1995)
- “Why don’t you make like a tree and get out of here?” – Back to the Future (1985)
- “There’s no place like home.” – The Wizard of Oz (1939)
- “What’s the point of being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes?” – Doctor Who (1963-present)
- “I am serious…and don’t call me Shirley.” – Airplane! (1980)
- “I see dead people.” – The Sixth Sense (1999)
Witty Observations on Life
Relationships and Marriage
- “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
- “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns
- “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield
- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
- “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” – Natasha Leggero
Work and Career
- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
- “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
- “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” – Edgar Bergen
- “The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you’re on the job.” – Slappy White
Aging and Growing Up
- “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns
- “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
- “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller
- “Youth is wasted on the young.” – George Bernard Shaw
- “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” – George Burns
Technology and Social Media
- “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
- “I just invented a new app. It’s called ‘Phone.’ It’s for talking to people.” – Conan O’Brien
- “I need to get in shape. If I were murdered right now, my chalk outline would be a circle.” – Ron Funches
- “Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts.” – Aladdin (1992)
- “I wonder what my dog named me.” – Unknown
Laughing at Ourselves: Self-Deprecating Humor
Physical Appearance
- “I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.” – Rodney Dangerfield
- “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.” – Demetri Martin
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
- “I don’t have a beer belly, it’s a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.” – Unknown
- “I’m not overweight. I’m just nine inches too short.” – Shelley Winters
Intelligence and Common Sense
- “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
- “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott, The Office
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” – Unknown
- “I’m not dumb. I just have a lot of blonde moments.” – Unknown
- “I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
Personal Habits and Quirks
- “I’m a Victoria’s Secret model. It’s such a secret, not even Victoria knows.” – Unknown
- “I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me.” – Ray Bradbury
- “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman
- “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
- “I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.” – Unknown
Wordplay and Puns
One-Liners
- “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
- “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.”
- “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.”
- “I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.”
- “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
Double Entendres
- “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” – Groucho Marx
- “A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.” – Unknown
- “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.” – Unknown
- “I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.” – Henny Youngman
- “I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.” – Unknown
Visual Puns
- “I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.”
- “I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.”
- “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
- “I told my friend she drew her cat eyebrows on too high. She looked appawed.”
- “I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.”
Funny Quotes from Famous Personalities
Politicians and World Leaders
- “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
- “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
- “I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan
- “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” – Jimmy Carter
- “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” – Harry S. Truman
Actors and Actresses
- “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
- “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
- “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen
- “Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.” – Harry Truman
Writers and Philosophers
- “I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
- “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
- “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
- “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratch
- “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” – Lily Tomlin
Musicians and Entertainers
- “I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
- “I don’t know anything about music. In my line, you don’t have to.” – Elvis Presley
- “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Flip Wilson
- “As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
Conclusion – Funny Quotes
Laughter is the best medicine, and these funny quotes are just what the doctor ordered. From famous comedians to humorous observations on life, this collection is sure to bring a smile to your face and brighten your day. Remember to share the laughter with friends and family, as it’s one of the most precious gifts we can give to one another.